Last week, a good friend told me she stumbled upon a video of me singing in someone's living room on YouTube. My stomach sank because I knew exactly what video she was talking about - I was visiting a family I knew on my mission on Pennsylvania, and the mom was dying of cancer, so I sang a song to say goodbye knowing it would be my last chance to sing for her. Her husband posted it on YouTube and I was a little mortified because it was such an imperfect portrayal of the song, even though it was what it needed to be in that moment. Still, I worried that my friend, who was very musical, would notice all my out of tune notes and that one part where my voice cracked. But she proceeded to tell me how she had listened to it at least 30 times, showed it to her family for family home evening, and sent it to a bunch of friends because it touched her so much. We had a good talk about how I viewed that video compared to how she viewed it. I was so shocked that something I did could touch someone like that because I couldn't seem to see past the imperfect parts.
At the end of the conversation, this friend challenged me to be mediocre. To turn in mediocre things at work, to write mediocre songs, to sing mediocre solos, to do mediocre things. This friend knows that I'm a "recovering perfectionist," and as such, my (unhealthy) desire to be perfect keeps me from just trying things - if I can't do them perfectly, why do them at all? It has actually been paralyzing at times, triggering some severe anxiety and depression, but during the past couple of years, this friend has helped me learn how to overcome it, or is helping me, rather... it's a process. As it turns out, my "mediocre" is enough for other people. It's plenty, actually. And I'm getting to the point where it's enough for me, too.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, "The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty."
In theory, I've always known that when I'm creating things, whether a song or a spirit-filled home or a simple smile, as long as I do the best I can, it's enough, but I haven't been able to figure out how to actually BELIEVE that until the last couple of years. I'm thankful for those who saw the potential of my "mediocreness" and gave me opportunities to share and develop my talents even if I didn't believe I wasn't good enough at the time - otherwise, I never would have tried. I keep learning that authentic is better than perfect, that communicating with others, heart to heart, is better than a great technical performance, and that Jesus doesn't expect perfection of me all at once. He just wants me to be real. To turn to Him and say, "Hi. I'm just me. You love me and I love you. And that's all that matters."
This video is the first of (hopefully) many efforts to create mediocre things and know that it's enough.
I am enough.
