My Easter Gifts

#becauseofhim

It's a hashtag you've probably seen all over social media this past week, as members of the church worldwide have taken some time to remember how the birth, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ has changed their lives.  It has been a beautiful way to celebrate Easter.

I haven't participated in these posts, partly because I wanted to make sure I wasn't doing it just for the sake of doing it with a lack of sincerity behind my convictions, but I think there are other reasons, too.  I suppose it's because I'm in one of those weird phases where my testimony of the Savior does not feel as strong as it has been at other times in my life. I know He is my Savior, but I haven't felt His love or power as much lately because I have not been seeking it like I have in the past.  In some weird way, I have been missing out on feeling His love for me and for others because I feel like I don't deserve it.  It's weird.  I know Jesus Christ has changed and continues to change my life.  But some silly thing in my brain keeps me from recognizing His blessings because I haven't been praying very hard, or studying very dutifully, or serving others how I'd like to.  I start to see blessings and then I think to myself, "Nope, I don't want to know that I'm receiving this great thing, because I don't deserve this great thing."  I make soooo much sense. :)

The reality is that Jesus Christ's perfect life, Atonement, and Resurrection change and affect my life whether I'm deserving of it or not.  The blessings are all around me, and choosing not to recognize them because I feel unworthy does not mean they are not there.  He loves me whether or not I take the time and effort to know Him better.  He loves me no matter what.

In the gospel of Jesus Christ, there is a fine line between complacency and being way too hard on ourselves.  Satan can use both of these as a powerful to destroy us, but that's a post for another day.  Just know that when I say I have been selfish, and I can be better, it's not because I don't think I'm good enough.  It's not because I expect perfection of myself today and am overwhelmed by how impossible it feels.  It's simply because I want to be better today. Because of Him, I can be better.

Yesterday I celebrated the Savior's gift to me.

Today, I will give two gifts to him:

#1: I will stop cutting myself off from the blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ by choosing to not let myself see them. 
I will seek to recognize the Lord's hand in my life, and I will keep a record of His daily help, as President Eyring encouraged in this talk.

(If you haven't listened to it for a while, now would be a good time for a refresher.)

#2: I will recommit to "Mainichi, Mainichi, Maishu."

Let me elaborate on this one...

A friend on my mission told me about this phrase which means every day, every day, every week in Japanese.  This friend, Shaun, encouraged the investigators and members on his mission to commit to praying every day, studying the scriptures every day, and renewing their covenants at church every Sunday.  Obviously, it's not breaking news that we are supposed to do this.  I kept that commitment during my mission (it's kind of hard not to, I suppose) and committed to keep doing it when I came home.  I did well for several years, didn't miss a single day or week, but somewhere in there, I got distracted.  I never strayed too far, but I let less important things took priority.  Since then, I've had ups and downs in this regard, but I lost the consistency I'd had for years.

Elder Bednar said the following:

Were the five wise virgins selfish and unwilling to share, or were they indicating correctly that the oil of conversion cannot be borrowed? Can the spiritual strength that results from consistent obedience to the commandments be given to another person? Can the knowledge obtained through diligent study and pondering of the scriptures be conveyed to one who is in need? Can the peace the gospel brings to a faithful Latter-day Saint be transferred to an individual experiencing adversity or great challenge? The clear answer to each of these questions is no.

As the wise virgins emphasized properly, each of us must “buy for ourselves.” These inspired women were not describing a business transaction; rather, they were emphasizing our individual responsibility to keep our lamp of testimony burning and to obtain an ample supply of the oil of conversion. This precious oil is acquired one drop at a time—“line upon line [and] precept upon precept” (2 Nephi 28:30), patiently and persistently. No shortcut is available; no last-minute flurry of preparation is possible.

THIS is why my mainichi, mainichi, maishu starts again today.  I want to know the Savior.  I want to be prepared with knowledge and faith and peace so that when hard times come, I am ready.

Happy Easter, Jesus.